My Middle Child

Today is my middle childs birthday, all day long, Hijole, it’s almost too late too make a public announcement: FELIZ CUMPLEAÑOS a mi Ben chico, also known as Emery. Pero no esta tan chiquito, he’s 27.

Psalms 127:3 says “children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him. Y asi es, I’ve been incredibly rewarded with my 4 kids and overflowing blessing with 8 grandkids. Solo Dios sabe si vienen mas, pero, yo sigo adelante,  praying for that kind of increase. Quizas otra nietecita o nietecito? 

Ahora por ser dia de su cumpleaños, I want to talk about my middle child. Dicen por hay that  there are certain traits associated with “the middle child.” Es verdad,  my own personal “research and investigation” mostly comparing notes with other moms, and a quick search which highlighted up to 12 or more traits that stand out. Here’s a few that my middle child exhibits:

Middle Child Traits:

Social butterfly: That’s Emery Greene, he’s a pretty good conversationalist. He has good rapport with his buddies and siblings and even with his ma, that would be me. 

Thrives on friendship– yup, friendship helps fuel Emery. He is a loyal and loving friend. In a healthy sort of way he clings to the gift of friends God has given him. Mi hijo is a good friend, and appreciates his good friends. Imaginate! He has called me his friend and I love him for it. So glad to be a part of his circle of friends.

Generous. He’s even willing to share his Hot Cheetos, which says a lot about his sacrificial giving.

Empathetic- I’m not sure how deep empathy goes in this son of Benjamin Walter, my Cold Blooded Englishman, but he is able to “feel” your distress and listen empathetically. 

Funny– He’s funny, maybe too quick to tease you, more like LOL at you, even so, he’s definitely lots of fun.

Negotiator- All his other siblings would agree, he negotiates well for the things he wanted and thought he deserved as the middle child.

Laid back-Yes, very chill until deadlines are sitting on him taking his breath away. Now he’s directing his students. Now he’s painting the set. Now he’s getting the music and sound. Eventually, being una familia bien nice, we help him out a bit, just before he explodes.

Creative: Como madre culeca I’ll shout it on the mountain top, mi hijo es muy creativo. An artist, musician, writer, and director. God has given him wonderful talents that he uses for Gods glory.

Ambitious: Benjamin Emery has dreams, goals, and plans. He’s praying for personal  prosperity, and fruit. I think these days it’s called an influencer. He’s hoping, his beautiful wife is hoping, and we all are praying and believing that he will influence others to follow him as he follows Christ. 

He’s also competitive, a bit of a rebel, open minded and pretty independent, traits commonly found in the middle child. 

The middle child is capable of so much good, with all those good traits verdad? What’s your middle child like? So long as my son Ben stays on God’s narrow path, opens the door of his heart when Jesus knocks, he’s gonna keep doing well in life. At 27, he’s a good man, solid in his convictions and willing to be conformed by God for His purposes, que mas quiero?! But I do ask for more still. Today at the start of a new year, I’m asking God by his grace to continue the sanctification process in him, to teach him, train him and make him a strong influencer for his kingdom. 

Mil gracias Señor, for my middle child, bless his new year with your perfect plan. Amén.

My Prayer Partner

After almost a year of preparations, con mucho trabajo, my son took his familia to South America, and well, that means que toda nuestra familia is on the Bolivia journey, y pues the struggle has been real. Praying for our “baby church” has plunged me into a deeper, more earnest stance in prayer. Praying without ceasing has taken a deeper meaning. I have acquired a an unexpected prayer partner along the way.

After the shock waves of the  announcement,“Out of San Diego and into Bolivia South America, Jon and Denise Greene” subsided, I prayed, pero mostly for me. Así es, How would I handle the separation? I prayed as I released my son again. Peace came and with it came vision beyond our borders for Gods will.

During the intense days of sorting and packing, I prayed. Worry and anxiety only added fuel to my prayer. Por supuesto que Dios, his Abba Father saw his predicament. It seems like a countless amount of totes filled with their “lives” vacuum sealed, packed, wrapped in plastic, weighed and loaded into the van. Dios mío, how would they clear customs? Not to mention their luggage, carry ons and personal items. I prayed, the family prayed and even some of you prayed. They did! They arrived late at night, with 2 crying toddlers in his arms, and 3 grumpy exhausted little girls carrying their loaded backpacks they pushed their carryons to customs. And like a scene from Frank Perretis book “Piercing the Darkness” when they had no more strength, literally, because they were feeling the altitude change, the angels of God cleared away for them. With absolute Immediate favor, no problems, or bumps in the process, the  officials did very little inspection of their sea of belongings and gave them entry. Alleluia! Que alivio! Gracias a Dios!

In their transition I’ve been prayerful. Toda la familia has been feeling the unrest of separation and the discomfort of change. Fatigue and dietary adjustments. Mi nuera and the kids have all been feeling sick. As I’m hearing of all these changes, I’m praying, knowing it takes time. My prayer has been all over the place. Now I pray with the void of separation, what if they forget me? Now I pray earnestly, making myself remember that God is there with them, actively working in their lives. Always I pray for each one individually, missing them, wanting them to miss me. Pero si saben, that ultimately, I pray for peace and joy as they build a lasting work for God in the great city of La Paz, Bolivia.

Ya se imaginan my indignation at the devil, when a few days ago I received a text from my first granddaughter; Maricella.

Mari: Ama, please pray for me, I just threw up. I have pain (I could almost hear her sweet voice calling out to me)

Me: oh Mari! Yes I’ll pray for you. What kind of pain? Your stomach? All your body?

Mari: my stomach

Me: ok let’s do this. I’ll pray with you. You put your hand on your stomach, where the pain is and let’s ask Jesus to heal you, ok?

Mari: ok D’ma (oh goodness I felt her soft whimper)

So I sent her a short prayer for healing in Jesus name. I instructed her to read it and then let me know when she was ready to pray so Thomas and I could agree in prayer with her. Then I waited. All the while praying “Jesus you say we can ask you anything in your name and you promise that it will be done, according to your will. I know it is not your will for my Mari to be in pain and sickness, hear her prayer” Then I checked on her. 

Me: Mari? Do you feel better?

Mari: yes a little.

Me: well let’s pray again so you can feel completely better ok?

Mari: yes Ama ( her text was still sounding weak)

Me: pray again, but this time. Pray a prayer of thanksgiving. Thank God for your healing, for your blessings, ok?

Mari: Ok Ama. I’m ready.

We prayed and I anxiously waited, praying until I heard back. In typical 11 year old mode, she got the relief she needed and forgot about dear old Ama! she wasn’t texting me, Hijole! Didn’t she know I was anxious to know that she was completely well again?

Me: Mari? What happened, how are you?

Mari: Great!

Me: (in typical human incredulity) what? You’re healed? Did Jesus heal you?

Mari: Yes, Ama, I feel great.

Me: oh Mari we must thank God! Praise him for this miracle! Sing songs of praise!

Mari: Ok, I will.

Me: I too will sing a song of praise with you. When you’re done, go pray for you little brothers (es que they too were not feeling well and the family was praying for them also) And sing throughout the rooms in your house, tell that spirit of infirmity to leave your house and be thankful.

Mari: ok Ama I will

While I was busy thanking God, so relieved for my little granddaughter she followed my instructions exactamente! My daughter Inlaw texted me to tell me how bold and confidently she had gone to her brothers, put her hands on them and prayed for their healing, y luego, she went about the rooms singing songs of praise to God.

Mari: I did it Ama. Thank you so much.

Me: how are your brothers?

Mari: better.

So simple. I stood amazed at how God had shown himself real to my little granddaughter. She hadn’t been uncomfortable to approach the King of Kings for healing and he granted her petition. She thanked me with such relief in her text and I truly felt her love. Abuela muy culeca! I was so pleased. Imagínese how much pleasure her Abba Father felt with such willing faith. 

Gracias a Dios that He let me be a part of that miracle. Mari and Ama partnered together in prayer and God moved on their behalf.

Since that day, her sweet texts have been mostly good morning Ama and goodnight. As much I want to chat more, I can tell she is doing very well. I thank God for her, for them.

This journey has only just begun, please pray with me and my prayer partner  for the Greenes in Bolivia and for revival in La Paz! Mil gracias.

A Baptismal Experience

Last Sunday evening, estaba bien frio, coming from a sunny San Diegan perspective that is. It was in the 50s! And the wind made it feel colder, BRRRR! Pues that was the day our church had a scheduled baptismal. Asi es, and we followed through that evening after services. Those wanting/needing baptismal didn’t let a little bit of cold stop them from this critical and sometimes life changing decision, nor did the baptizers, they were in their place ready to baptize all those who went to the water. 

What exactly does it mean to be baptized in water? Baptism is a ritual practiced by the early followers of Jesus, since the days of John The Baptist. It is a “rite of passage” if you will, from salvation into conversion, done publicly. Jesus who had no sin, but came to save us from our sin, set the example and was baptized, making this his public announcement into his minisitry. 

 After I was saved from my sin, washed in the blood of Jesus, I learned about baptismal.  My getting baptized would be a public proclamation and testimony of what God did and would continue to do in my life from that day forward. I was born again on July 7, 1984, but unfortunately I do not know the exact date I was baptized, except to say that it happened in 1985, a few months after I was saved. The beach is a classic San Diego baptizing place. There in Mission Beach, o quizas Ocean Beach we as a church went. We set up our picnic, had lunch, shared the gospel and invited people to church, luego, the big event of the baptismal happened.  A very simple ceremony of singing songs, then I was handed the bull horn to tell what Jesus had done for me. I love Jesus. I am not ashamed of the Gospel or His name. After the shouts and cheers I waded into the water for my baptismal. That sacred ritual in my life happened about 39 years ago. From that point on the Potter’s House San Diego and all the sister churches of our fellowship gather for an annual tradition of picnicking and baptizing on Memorial Day and Labor Day. Ya te imaginas my surprise that we were going to have a baptismal on a Sunday evening, then my delight to see mi hijo Thomas, privileged to be one of the baptizers! It seemed like only yesterday, my little 12 year old Thomas was getting baptized. Pero, there he was in his Sunday clothes, with his coat, porque estaba fria la noche. His sleeves were rolled up, he was ready to baptize. His voice rang loud and clear, es que he has his mothers vocal chords .He said the words “I baptize you in the name of the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit.”  I loved the way he sounded as he and his baptizing partner submerged that brand new convert into the cold water. What an incredible honor! 

En Conclusíon

There were 4 people that were baptized that night, very new to Gods family. One couple, whom God rescued were excited to publicly share their testimony and continue in their consecration to Christ. One young man was a new believer and a new husband! He was so grateful for God and His mercy.  Pero pa que me hago, I mostly had eyes only for Thomas. What pleasure I felt to be his mama.  I’ve spent the last 21 years praying for him. Holding my breath wondering if he would walk with me on the Narrow Path. In the words of Katy Nicole, 

“I speak the name of Jesus over you, In your hurting, In your sorrow, I will ask my God to move. I speak the name ‘cause it’s all that I can do. In desperation I’ll seek heaven and pray this for you.” It’s my continual prayer for Thomas and my loves.

Mil Gracias, to the God who died and rose again so that I and my seed could be saved. 

Chapters In A Marriage

This past week I went to spend some time with my sister. It was a much needed visit. While we chatted and caught up, we worked and organized her work room. It turned out to be a bittersweet time as I remembered and revisited experiences and chapters in our lives through the old pictures I was gathering and storing. One particular time that kept pulling me back was my first chapter of marriage and my amas last one. As I am now unofficially an Empty Nester and my own marriage has passed their 34 year union, I take my hat off to my sweet ama. She did not live for herself and I love her for her sacrifice.

 My parents were married for 34 years. Espero que no sea falta de respeto, to their marriage covenant to say that along with joys and victories came many kinds of trials and heartaches as they worked out their marriage relationship and fought to keep their family intact. 

My ama endured the needed separation when apa left her and their baby to come to el Norte to make money. Although he left her in good hands, her big brother, I can only imagine what it must have been like for her. The lonely long nights wondering what life was like for him, he liked America. He returned, and their marriage, family and life resumed as usual, until the funds ran out again. Making enough money in poverty stricken Mexico was near impossible. Apa worked hard to make ends meet before he proposed to leave again. Pero esta vez, he would not  leave without his family. 

My ama was broken-hearted when she separated from her family and familiar comforts of her small town in Jalisco, but she endured and was comforted as her family increased. She settled in Baja California, it was different, pero it was still Mexico. My apa crossed the border weekly to work. Again, their marriage suffered these financial separations, he had to support his growing family, pero un dia, the opportunity to immigrate them came, y de repente, paperwork complete, they were living in America. 

La familia Zepeda was suddenly an immigrant family. Everyone, adults and kids were feeling their way around, enduring the many shocks of cultural differences and social scorn.  My dear ama endured it all, now the physical separations in her marriage would come to an end. She kept true to her marriage covenant, birthed 2 more babies and they adjusted their lives and marriage with the many challenges that came their way. Together they raised their 8 kids. Ama struggled to learn English, then stopped trying, “No hablo ingles.” Spanish was our official language at home and English was to be translated when she needed it, after all, she had 9 translators at her reach. 

The “Empty Nester” chapter of their marriage fue muy dificil for my ama. She had been having an ongoing battle with diabetes and now she was depressed and very lonely. Her nest was empty.  Adult children tienen el discaro to flaunt their “independence” as they are finding their own way. If you’re a wife and mother, ya saben how it is most times, much of your married life is shared with the kids. Luego, when the children leave, a couple will have to “find” each other again. Spunk might be gone, vitality depleted and beauty is in the past. It can be awkward to get back to just your spouse. My apa was still busy with work, he hadn’t paid attention yet. 

I was one of the last ones to leave home and I was having all kinds of radical changes in my life. As my ama faced her empty nest marriage, not in very good health, I was preparing to step into my own marriage nest. I was busy preparing my simple wedding  to pay any real attention to her needs, until everything stopped because she had a stroke. Toda la familia gathered at the hospital, anxious for ama. When she was stable and resting, we went in to see her, the stroke had changed her. 

We didn’t know what her prognosis would be.  Then, the doctor said, she would be sent to San Diego for physical therapy. He explained that there she would be on a strict diet and get physical therapy that would help her to walk and speak and improve her.  She was scheduled to be sent at the end of the month.

As the days passed, my wedding date was fast approaching, it was set for the end of the month, the invitations were out, the guests had confirmed, everything had been planned already, y ahora  mi ama would not be able to attend my wedding. I had faced that kind of disappointment at my last major ceremony already. She had been in the hospital when I graduated high school, was it really happening again? my ama would miss my day? Should I postpone my wedding? And for how long? It was a confusing time. My ama was sad for me, for herself. My Benjamin was nervous, it had taken me “an eternity” to be sure that our mixed union was the right thing to do and now I was considering postponing? 

My parents talked to me, well mostly my apa spoke and ama spoke with her eyes. She was so very sorry to miss my wedding day but it must go on as planned. They could not guarantee what the future held for them, they had already lived and they wanted me to go on and live too. They hoped that time would give them a chance to get to know Ben and they looked forward to me bringing him home again. They assured me that it was the best and right thing to do. I cannot describe all that I felt that day in her hospital room. Ama couldn’t reach for me, so I touched her. I was a selfish daughter. I was a bridezilla. Why God? Why did ama have to miss my wedding day? Ben and I were married and after the reception we came to see my ama. I wish I knew what she was thinking. Did she remember her wedding day? Did she think my gringo was handsome? Now I wish we could have talked. I was torn between being wife now, yet still a daughter. We took a few pictures, and then we left her. 

En Conclusion:
I was able to spend my days at the rehabilitation hospital, keeping my ama company. I watched her work herself back to walking and talking and cheered her on. She was anxious to get back home. Ama had improved so well that she was allowed to come to my own nest and lunch with us. I made her favorite dish; caldo de res. I loved her caldo and I hoped I had copied her well enough, hijole! I was nervous. She was coming to mi casa and having my cooking, what would she think? It was her only visit to my little apartment. As I wrote that sentence the reality struck me! My ama came to visit me. She saw me as a woman, Ben’s wife and our home. That thought makes me smile, even though it was just once.  She enjoyed lunch and a short visit, then it was back to the rehab. Very soon after that day she completed her physical therapy and was discharged. My dad had gotten all the instructions he needed to be her main caregiver. He would be home with her and care for her. Y pues, I’m glad for my ama, apa was at her side.The empty nest brought on many tears and apa did what he could for her. She yearned for her house to be full again with her children and grandchildren, and when it was, muy culeca, she rejoiced. Y cuando it was empty again, apa was there with her, and together they endured. Gracias a Dios.

A Baby Dedication

We dedicated our children to the Lord, while they were still infants.  A baby dedication is a parents vow to raise their children in Gods Word and in his narrow path. Pero, que exactamente what does that mean? Many times we make vows not really “feeling” the weight they carry. 

Fijense. 

 “I take thee Benjamin to be my wedded husband…for better or worse (que worse! Never did I think that I would face worse!) …”and thereto I pledge thee my faith” ( Hijole! I gave my word, le prometi a mi flaco that I was his until death did part us. Y pues, my word is reliable o no? Y ahora 35 years into marriage with my Cold Blooded Englishman, I realize that making a vow and fulfilling it requires supernatural strength, preferably Gods.

Well, dedicating our children to God is also a lifelong commitment. A vow to teach them Gods Word and ways, kept us clinging to God to show them what life Heavenward was like. 

Como me acuerdo, when we had our first baby. Me and my first born had a rocky start. A broken leg, a c-section and pain meds made our first meeting emotional and groggy to say the least. The only thing I was sure of, is that he was the most beautiful baby en todo el mundo!  He was a big baby, almost 11lbs. We were laid up in the hospital for 5 days, poor baby had almost lost a pound?! How was I going to take care of this demanding little guy? I couldn’t walk, I needed help and Ben was just as overwhelmed. Gracias a Dios that he adjusted to supplementing with formula and we survived our first 6 weeks together. he looked older than a newborn! Just as soon as my cast was removed I asked my pastor if we could dedicate him the following Sunday. Although I didn’t have a new dress, or even an old one that fit right, and my leg still ached, I was ready to make my “mothering vow”. With God everything was gonna be smooth and easy. 

On our Sunday dedication morning, I expected “alleluias” from heaven, maybe some glorious light streaming into the building. The regular service proceeded as usual and after the announcements, Pastor announced a baby dedication. We appreciated the cheers and claps  as we went to stand in front of the pulpit. Pastor Rodriguez took my big baby into his hands and laughingly commented on his hefty size. I smiled, very smug that mi hijo era el mas chulo! He spoke a few words explaining to the church and any visitors why we dedicate our babies to the Lord. He expressed appreciation to God for the blessing of children and  as he cradled my big baby boy the congregation lifted their hands toward us and prayed for our baby. When the prayer subsided, he turned his attention to us. Incredible! I was a momma and we were standing before God making vows to protect, provide, teach, correct and encourage him into a life for Christ. The Pastor said  a few words of congratulations, then some instruction with a scripture to back up his words Pastor prayed for me, and I lifted my hands as the church prayed, then he prayed for Ben. A life changing ceremony that took a simple prayer of dedication. In my heart, I knew that dedicating him to God was the best thing we would do for him. Y asi fue, it was a vow that I have remembered often through the last 34 years. The responsibility of that vow kept me watchful and prayerful as a mother. When I had to make a stand and say “no hijo, we’re not going to do that” and he was very disappointed, I had to hold fast to that promise I made. When my son didn’t care one iota that he was a child set apart for God’s plan, we cared and persisted in showing him the right way to go. At the age of 15 God had called him into the ministry to preach the gospel and he did like Jonah in the bible, he reached for a way out. He went for the lower, wide path. I saw his unhappiness and knew he was running away. I tried to speak words of encouragement, then I tried strong words of admonishment. When I didn’t know if he was heeding our warnings, I had to remember that we had dedicated him to God. We waited ( not very patiently) for God to step in. We prayed that he would not compromise for the empty promises of this world. Pero he did, we kept praying. I worried, I prayed some more and cried and tried really hard to keep the strong latina woman front and center, it didn’t always work, pero Dios me ayudo. Through those teen years of fearful and dissatisfied grumblings, (honestamente, our grumblings mingled with his) he never quite totally walked away from God and his people. I mean, wasn’t it enough to be a good church going person? He knew that God was real, he saw changed lives, he saw God’s miraculous hand on others, he knew that the safest place to be was in the will of God and he was outraged! Meanwhile, we prayed, and continued to live our lives surrendering daily and rededicating our kids to God daily. Our pastor always says “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink” y pues, that’s where our first born was, with direct access to the  living water and yet feeling quite thirsty. 

De repente! Un dia, when he was all grown up. Mi hijo was a married man, with 3 beautiful little daughters, deliverance came when he was Born Again. Pero we all know that things don’t just happen “de repente” when it comes to God’s children. He, being Gods dedicated child, wanted all of Gods blessings in his own way and in his timing. He wanted his sin, he hated his sin! Hijole! He was under much conviction, making bad choices. Spinning out in turmoil, distress, oppression, y quien sabe what else tormented him for some time and also hurt his beautiful wife. 

Just as soon as he surrendered his heart, mind and life to Jesus, his conversion was miraculous and quick, before we knew it, he was being trained and discipled for ministry.

Imaginense, just as I was enjoying my hijos radical conversion, he was announced to go into Bonita, California  to start a church. Asi es, mi hijo primogenito un pastor!  I remembered my vow as a parent and all that God had done. I adjusted to the separation all the way south of us, about 20 minutes away, bien lejos!  Y ahora, he and his family will only be a 14 hour flight away to Bolivia in South America. 

Asi es que a baby dedication is a lifelong commitment of personal surrender to parent God’s way and believe that He keeps his promises. When the children grow up, it’s not over. When they themselves dedicate their lives to Christ, it’s still not over. When they answer God’s call and willingly give up their plans for Gods plan, it’s definitely not over. I’m discovering that a parent fully equipped in Gods armor is critically needed. Prayer without ceasing or seizing is real!  As for me and my Benjamin we continue to pray and encourage and keep a good testimony. 

Que Dios nos ayuda, this transition is upon us, please pray for the Greenes.

Counting My Blessings

Otra vez I’m caught up in counting the days for upcoming, heart affecting changes, only a few days til departure date. My son is busy packing now, then he’ll take his family to Bolivia. Hijole! The good thing is that I caught myself and I said “Stop it! Count your blessings instead.” Y pues that’s what I’m gonna do orita mismo, otherwise mi hija is going to remind me that I have 3 kids, a second daughter in law and 3 nietos very close to me still.

39 years ago I received the gift of salvation, y pues I’ve chosen to “walk the narrow path” . I started the journey as a single young girl of 18 years and as I’ve walked with Jesus, He’s directed me and I’ve been blessed. Dice la biblia en Salmos 68:6, that God places the lonely in families, and he did that for me. Ya se ya se, in a  Mexican family, with 8 kids and noise abounding, how in the world was I lonely?  Pero asi fue and from that point I was able to see and count my daily blessings. Here’s a glimpse at a few highlights of my walk.

Mis bendiciones:

• My sister Patty that led me to Christ and waits for me in heaven.
• A pastor that is invested and available to help and guide his flock.
• A fellowship of believers sold out for the vision of God: “whosoever believes in him”
• A church family that loves me
• Weekly hearing the preaching of Gods word that changes lives.
• True, God fearing friends that love me and my family and demonstrate it often.
• My Cold Blooded Englishman that waited for me.
• 35 years of marriage with God as our anchor. 
• Financial protection and provision.
• Everyday my Flaco hugs and kisses me.
• A house I call home and am privileged to practice hospitality in.
• 4 wonderful pregnancies and beautiful healthy babies that I got to stay at home with to love and teach.
• My oldest sister Lupe and my parents all believed in the resurrection of Jesus and are also with God.
• Walking with Jesus with my sister Marina.
•  My children and daughters in laws have chosen to believe in the power of Christ and are walking in his narrow path also. 
• Our kids want to hang out with us! They enjoy our company despite our empty nesting adjustments. 😀
• 8 grandchildren-quizas the smartest kids in the whole world!
• Nephew and nieces that are in the service of the King of kings. I love to hear “Pastor Zepeda” mi sobrino.  
• Freedom to pray, believe and accept the will of God for our lives.
• Daughters in Christ right within my church family.
• Answered prayers for salvation.
• Already seeing the fruit of  revival in South America.

Y alli esta, a short glimpse of some of what God has done. Once upon a time a lonely and confused 18 year old girl decided to trust Jesus, Honestamente, the blessings of God in my life can’t be counted. My son going to South America is another blessing, another answered prayer and I must keep my thoughts and eyes there. Although I came in alone, God enlarged my borders. Quizas there’s a lonely teenager in Bolivia, that will listen to the Gospel message and be blessed beyond her sweetest fantasy. 

Por favor, when you pray to Jesus, remember the Greene’s. Que Dios los bendiga. 

Write On!

As we’ve entered into a new year, I renewed my resolutions in January. I tightened up the loose ends on my book writing y me puse mas seria. I  am under pressure with a new deadline. Pero I’m fighting off “throwing in the towel” temptation. Hijole, resolutions turn into huge mountains in February!  It’s such a mystery, I really enjoy writing, but as soon as I declared that I wanted to be a published writer, inspiration fled and resolve  tries to slam the door in my face and shut me out. Y pues, I hear the mocking voices, “Que writer ni que nada!”  Pero I’m resisting and so although this week inspiration escaped me, I am fueling the resolve to write and publish my apas stories with this memory from out of my work in progress. 

An Excert From My Apas Memories

What Kind Of Work Do They Do?

It was my caregiving turn at Apas house, my childhood home.  I usually arrived for my shift at four o’clock, which was also the time for my Apas favorite show; “El Chavo del Ocho.”  He loved the old Mexican comedy show from the 70s, he clung to it and would not be interrupted.   After dropping my things off in the designated “caregiver” room, which used to be Marina’s old room, I went to sit and watch with him. We laughed at the goofy slapstick comedy as if they were new episodes, well for him they were. We both found comfort in this routine. It reminded me of simpler days in my childhood when the show was the rave.  For dad “El Chavo”  was a relic of “his” life.  He saw it slipping out of his control, so he clung to his house, his recliner and his afternoon show. His routine and his long term memories were the most stable part of his life at this stage, he was winding down, and he knew  his strength and talents were almost all used up.

 At ninety-one and with a touch of dementia it was a common routine to update my apa repeatedly  in one sitting.  After El Chavo, he usually assumed that the end of the show meant the end of my “visit” and he would begin to thank me for my visit and send me on my way with his love for my family.  I would tease him about him being tired of me so soon and remind him that I had just arrived. Then my family update would begin. “ Ben is doing well dad, no he’s not the llantero, that’s Marina’s husband Isaac, he’s the one who runs a tire shop.” Mi esposo pinta casas”. Work was an important topic. “Yes, he’s been busy this season, gracias a Dios.” It was always very relieving to give him a good report on the painting business.  “Si,  Jonathan is the plumber and he’s always busy with work, that’s right, there’s job security in that trabajo. Everyone needs a plumber.  Yes, He is married, going on four years now and yes! his  family is growing fast. You’re a bis-abuelo now, dad.” Dad was always so shocked to hear that he had so much family and that he was  old enough to be a great-grandfather.  “apoco?!Really?!  was always his incredulous response. Then we would move on to talking about my daughter. He tended to ask for her first.  Dad would ask  “y tu hija, Valentina, como esta?” and I would smile and remind him that her name is Daniella. She does have a cinematic look about her, a Spanish senorita, maybe she reminded him of the Mexican beauties in those movies. With dementia invading him, all news was new news, so  he was always amazed to know that she too was married with children. I enjoy talking about my kids and although I was repeating the news and then repeating  just as soon as I shared it, I yearned for my father to know  the extension of me and thus the extension of him.  “Daniella is very busy with her baby boy and another one on the way. She is still practicing her photography. She’s a good photographer dad, I’ll have to show you her work next time.” Next, he would ask about my second son, Emery. It never failed that he would hear me say “Emily.” Even before dementia  he had struggled with the name. We would volley back and forth with the name, “ E-me-ri; Emery dad, not Emily.” He would lift his head higher and showing his teeth he would sound out “E-me-li, Emily.”  Finally,  I’d end up saying “just call him Ben dad, his name is also Ben like his dad.” Only after explaining he was not a junior, could we move on.  “Well he has just recently graduated from high school and is working hard at two jobs.”  “He works for the city of San Diego in the Parks and Recs department.” He always sat up straighter in his recliner,  it made him proud to hear his grandson also worked for the city.  It always triggered memories of the days when he worked for the small city of Calipatria in the Parks and Rec dept. 

My apa had worked hard for the city, managing and caring for the two parks in our small hometown. He also  was very instrumental in the developmental project of a third park in the city. He lobbied hard for a park in the “Eastside” which was where our neighborhood was. His recollection of going around talking to city officials and business owners with money that could make a difference, were not necessarily fond memories. He described the hard work of convincing these grocery store owners and other business owners that their money could benefit the town, it was a humbling experience for him, he felt like he was begging. His countenance would get excited as if he could feel all those reactions again. We both remembered that day that he rallied the kids from the barrio to clean up the huge empty lot that he hoped would become our park. We picked up trash, raked up the hard dirt and I especially remember carefully picking up the broken glass pieces that were dug up. He had convinced us that the clean lot would make a nice park.  In the end, his efforts did make a difference. Barrio East Side did  get a park.  A little league park with two baseball fields, a basketball court, a merry go round, a swing set, a large double slide playground,and two picnic tables with shade covering. It was an exciting time for us kids and for my apa. He was very relieved and proud of the results. The Park was called Hernandez Park, named after another prominent citizen. I was too young to feel disappointed for my father. Honestly, I do not know the process of naming  a park or a library, but my apas hard work should have mattered and been recognized with more appreciation. It was a bitter pill to swallow and when he recalled it, the tinge of indignation still lingered. Still he remained a loyal employee of the city.

Thankfully the other part of that story was the “recreational” part. Apa always ended his recollection of his work for the city  by talking about his glorious little league days, these were rewarding days for him. He and my older sister Lupe partnered together in coaching little league baseball.  His animation as he retold his stories uncovered the emotional rollercoaster ride of working for “parks and rec” in the small city of Calipatria, who would have ever known? Every job has its rewards and disappointments.

After the memory had been all laid out and then tucked away again he would resume back to asking about my kids. What kind of work do they do?  We’d start all over Jonathan, Daniella, and then Emery, not Emily. “Emery  doesn’t know exactly what to do as far as a career.” I was grateful that working for the city was giving him opportunities to use his God given talents. I puffed up a bit when I would say as humbly as I could. “ He has a lot of natural talent. He can play guitar and sing. He writes his songs, he’s beginning to write and work on plays. He’s an artist. He loves to draw and paint.” My apa was always impressed by all the talent I described, and I nodded humbly as if I had shared mine with him. The city was recognizing his hard work, it was gratifying.

Gracias a Dios that I have these memories on record. My apa didn’t just do a job, he gave of himself and we his kids and his grandkids have been beneficiaries of his efforts at Hernandez Park and the little league seasons. Apas stories mingled with our caregiving days. Memories I am resolved to share with my sister and our kids in a nice book format. 

A Valentines Ghost-

My nietos and their mom have been busy preparing for today, their big Valentines Day Pop Up Shop. Homemade caramel candy, valentine lollipops, baked goods, edible sweet roses?  puppets and painted rocks.  Espero que les valla muy bien. This morning, while they are tying up all the loose ends before the shop opens, Marcus painted one more rock that he labeled a “Valentines Ghost” rock. Pues ya te imaginas,  it provoked all kinds of thoughts. While I did my morning quehacer I wondered about A Valentines Ghost. Was there one in my heart and mind? Was he lurking or shielding?

A Valentines Ghost sounded kind of a sweet little guy, or could he (or she) be the “the little fox that spoils the vine”?

Some Random Thoughts: 

Words Associated With Ghost: Spooky, Suspensful, Scary, El Cucuy, Ugly, Past, Haunted House, Nightmares, La Llorona

Possitive Words Associated with Ghost: Holy Ghost, Comforter, Encourager, Constant Companion, Peaceful, Unseen but ever present.

Would a Valentines Ghost be the same as a buried memory?

Check Your Heart:

 What could A Valentines Ghost be? A look back into the past? 

An old novio from my past? He’s a memory in the past, rarely a thought, except when I tell others what the Lord has done for me, way back when I was a wee young girl of 18.

A loved one who is no longer in my life? For a moment we are separate, but I hang on to the promises of God and wait for our reunion.

Un amor that never happened? Imaginate! How I thank God for the Amor de mi vida that did happen! My Cold Blooded Englishman has been my lifelong Valentine and I’m so thankful for Gods love in our hearts and lives. 

Thoughts Provoked by the Valentines Ghost- Beautiful memories Embedded in my Heart 

My noviazgo with my Cold Blooded Englishman- he patiently waited for me.

My love letters during our engagement and his deployment- I didn’t like the separation but I loved the letters.

Our Wedding Day- This weekend at the end of our churches annual Valentines Day Marriage Seminar, we held hands, pulled close together and looked at each other, face to face, time showed on our face, yet I felt like that young bride at 22, blushing at his intensity. Once again we recited our vows and remembered our promises made over 35 years ago. 

That Valentines Ghost provoked the beautiful memories of motherhood, parenting, increase, anniversaries, all that the Greenes have experienced.

I thought about Mis amores that are now in heaven: Mi apa, mi ama, mis hermanas

I remembered my gift of Lifelong friendships founded in Christ-true friendship with true love.

The idea of a Valentines Ghost is interesting verdad? I chose to go the route of cherished memories and gratitude for the loves in my life.

My little nieto was just trying to finish his last unpainted rock with the easiest image possible, he has no idea that my heart pitter pattered at his “deep unintentional” artwork; A Valentines Ghost. 

Pero, now that I’m in Valentine mode, I encourage you to take inventory and remember all your loves this Valentines Day, let them know in word for sure and if possible in deed just how much you love them! Que Dios los Bendiga, y Feliz Día De San Valentín

How To Survive a Grandson Week As Empty Nesters

As the day of my sons departure to Bolivia approaches, I’ve been submerged in nostalgia these past few weeks, remembering my “hands on ” days of parenting and in that state of mind I agreed to a full time week with my little grandsons. Hijole! while my hijo went to our fellowship bible conference in Prescott Az. with his wife and his other 3 older kids, mis nietas. The lil Greene brothers; Jeremiah Joseph 4 ½ y Uriah Benjamin 2 years old, stayed with Ama and Apa. In a rare moment of insanity, as I considered que estan bien chulos!  I quickly agreed Por supuesto  they could spend a week with us. Then reality started spotting my nostalgia. It should be a quick 5 days…and 5 nights. We would rest after they were in bed each night…or quizas we could take turns and rest? Worst case scenario, was that we would repose at the end of the week… If we survived, que exagerada verdad? I admonished myself. How could I not wipe my slate clean for those two cuties? So I did, and before the nostalgia could completely wear off, Daniella and I had a plan all set.  We enlisted her three “older” sons (9, 8 and 6 years old)  to help in the work of “playing with the little cousins’ ‘ which they were very excited about since they enjoy their cousins. It was a very practical plan that might help us keep peace and sanity. It shouldn’t be too exhausting, my empty nest mind hoped and prayed.

The Schedule was as follows: Breakfast, playtime, snack, outing, naptime/quiet, watch time, another snack, more playtime, dinner time, dessert, we cleaned/they played, winding down and bedtime by 9pm. Hijole! Now that I’m describing it, it sounds like boot camp. No se preocupen, althouth it was all accomplished in “Fast mode,” Ya se imaginan verdad? Five excited, overflowing with energy little boys, my head is still spinning but we survived. Glitches, like an emergency run to the dentist for Daniella or “Tia Yaya” as the Greene little brothers call her, didn’t ruin the day, it just quickly took me off the empty nester speed. Y ahora si, after her dental issue was resolved she showed up for duty, ready to take on those little boys! 

In typical boy fashion all my nietos needed to be the winners. They all were right about anything and everything and they all fought to be number one. All were the strongest and fastest of all.  Even 2 year old Uriah argued his case, he just couldn’t take a loss at any game or “discussion.” If he was sinking to a loss, he would throw out his Ace and come quickly running to Ama or tia Yaya and say “Ma, Ma…Braye mean” (Braye is the one syllable name he can say with clarity and so it is first on his lips)  and that would either give him a winning chance, because now Ama would investigate to see if Braye was actually being mean. If he didn’t get his way he’d lose interest in the thing he was trying to win, but at least he didn’t lose, it was a win-win strategy. Ahora si, now that I don’t have a house full of hombrecitos and it’s quiet, no arguments needed to be won, I can appreciate their zeal.

It was a good week, tiring for sure, but I’m so glad we filled up our empty nest this past week with Lil boys, mis nietecitos. All through the week  I was reminded of the days when my own boys were little and as Daniella helped me then with her little brothers she helped me this past week also with her nephews. 

We had a week doused with sweet moments (although I wouldn’t tell those tough lil guys) and plenty of funny times. 

Judah and Uriah the “babies” in their family bonded nicely. Judah did experience the role of “big brother.” I’m not sure he appreciated it too much when he was having to give up his right to the attention and special priviledges. Being the baby definitely has it’s benefits. 

Jeremiah chose his cousin Braye as his favorite and Braye puffed up for a while as he was being followed around, then it got tiresome to always be the chosen favorite.

Jeremiah challenged Apa with a War card game and set the rules to win. Apa, wasn’t prepared to lose though and challenged Jeremiah’s questionable tactics.

Jeremiah explained carefully to me that his “True Love” was his mommy, even though his daddy was also claiming her as his true love. Oh my goodness! I remembered those days sweet cuddling days. I think it was his way of “patting me on the shoulder” so I wouldn’t be disappointed.

Uriah was experiencing a different kind of attention from his “older” cousins, testosterone galore! They were not catering to his every whim, like his big sisters do. y mas importante, the whining wasn’t working very well.

4 year-old Jeremiah was loving hanging out with the big boys! He loved their rough ways because he himself is a tough guy.

Darius the dog loved, then hated the excess and sometimes brutish attention he was getting. He didn’t know where to hide from all the commotion at times.

What heart throbs ama and tia experienced when lil Uriah gallantly doled out kisses just because!

Stolen hugs from Jeremiah were fun because it reminded me of his dad at his age, who also didn’t appreciate the ladies hugging him or pinching his cheeks at will just because he was so adorable.

Pee on the toilet seat, toys everywhere provoked Daniella to sing the Annie song “Little Girls” with a twist in lyrics “Little boys, little boys everywhere I turn I see them” 

The straight honesty of children will either make you laugh or cry, but the brutish honesty of boys will have you dishing it right back! Jeremiah: “Ama this is ditcutting” Ama: (hiding my offense because I served a delicious dinner) Don’t eat it, you can watch everyone eat their ice cream later.” You’ll never know who won that battle.

We listened to the boys talk, they were zealous about monster trucks. Their arguments and their passion for things amazed me, they debated endlessly. Michael Jackson was a big topic. Jeremiah had a different opinion than that from the cousins and both sides were passionate in their conviction and their sighted sources: their parents’ views! Hijole!

Grandparenting is on a different level. I used to be a very strict mom, but this past week, despite the schedule, Daniella was so amazed at my “blind eye” that she teased “Who are you? And what have you done with my mother? Its liberating to be able to be an “abuela culeca” 

On our last day

The keys to a successful week was sticking to the schedule and cousins enjoying one another. I mean, these two empty nesters forgot all the details involved in child rearing, we needed all hands on deck to help us, special thanks to Daniella and her big boys for saving the week. Luego, just as soon as Jeremiah and Uriah were safely back in their parents’ care, Ben and I ran to take a long nap. 

En Conclusíon

Jeremiah in his usual MO didn’t give me the time of day when I saw him on Sunday at church, he was still trying to hang with the big boys, I’m not gonna lie, this strong latina woman still gets her feelings hurt, bien ofendida! Shake it off, let it go, he’s a busy little boy! Pero, when he was at my house on Monday, I cried out in dramatic dismay “Oh no! You’re back! I must run and hide.” He smiled and liked that dramatic greeting. Inside I cringed at the fact  that soon he wasn’t just going to show up at my house with his family. Facetime and virtual visits will be the closest visits we get, other than our visit to them. With that in mind, I had better stay off empty nester mode and relish all the noise and chaos, because too soon my nest will be much quieter.

How To Make Room For The New Year 2024

Usually I wait until January 1st to put away Christmas decorations, but this year I started right after my yearly trip to Yuma to celebrate my sister’s birthday on December 26. December babies have to firmly establish that their birthday is a whole separate celebration from Christmas. Y mi hermana, has almost done that, except that some people (me) still wrap December birthday gifts with Christmas paper or bags, maybe what I need to do is shop in January for her birthday gift? The Greenes all know that right after Christmas Ben and I and anyone else who can, drive to Arizona and we enjoy a day with tia Marina and family. This short trip just about wraps up the year for me.

At the end of every year, I am usually too exhausted to do any serious work, so I relax a bit, as much as I can before our church’s annual new year’s eve potluck and “Talent or No-Talent” Show. No baking, shopping or wrapping helps makes for a restful moment, pero all the while my mind is conjuring up an act for the big show and a plan to face the Christmas de-decorating.

Este ano, I thought that I would give myself a head start, since packing up Christmas is left  to guess who? Por supuesto! Mom! She can handle it. De todos modos, I needed the hard work, I needed to keep busy porque mi mente, hijole! It is starting to over think this particular new year and the  changes that loom over us. Como siempre, I start with a solid plan for putting all the decorations. Bien organizada,  professional organizers might even approve of it. Asi es, I plan on putting all Santa and sleighs in one box, and snowmen in another, snowglobes separate, ornaments all together and so on. Pero, in the end, I’m tired and crabby, having those thoughts that moms get when kids don’t bother to help unless you ask and you’re left all alone in the sea of Christmas mess. Ya saben como es. Way before I can see an end to the work, my plan unravels and at that point all I really really want to be done, with the same or less amount of boxes to store. Pero fijense, it’s always like this: I scour the house looking for all things “Christmas” to pack up,  then carefully, or  mas o menos con cuidado, I package and wrap each item. Imagine a Tetris game, I shove things into any available space in the boxes, luego, I close them up, seal them with bright orange masking tape supplied by Benjamin Greenes Painting, y listo! Mission accomplished. Nunca falla! As soon as all the boxes are stored I find the things that missed the radar, and all through January things will pop up, so far I’ve found 2 items in the kitchen, 4 in the laundry and ornaments on the tree that is now outdoors. Pero aside from those things, Christmas is packed away and the rooms tidy and lonely. My daughter in law Monique, walked in on December 30th and was shocked and saddened by the “emptiness” of my living room. It is always like this, the whirlwind and brightness of Christmas, with twinkling lights and jingle bells,  is stored away for the winter. My living room and dining room seem  barren in winter, y este ano, I feel the cold more than ever, asi es, even in sunny San Diego. 

A couple of  nights ago  I was working on this post, pondering on what it will mean to have my first born son Jonathan, and his family, his beautiful wife and cinco de mis nietos, gone to another nation. Asi es, they’re scheduled to leave to South America, Bolivia for missionary work in a few short weeks, pero I sat there in denial, es que, it just wasn’t real. La Paz in Bolivia is 4,893 miles away. Just at that moment, he walked in with a very important item to return to me for safe keeping. His original Christmas stocking! I stared at it, remembering his first Christmas with us, we were well into parenting, 9 months of experience behind us at that point. I was excited about Christmas and anxious to  sew his stocking. Ouch! I felt that pang of separation. He tried to joke, “yea ma, you guys make sure to fill it each Christmas and get the goods to me” It wasn’t funny, but I’ve got to be strong verdad? 

I’m trying to find the right voice or tone as I write. One that sounds grateful for answered prayers. I mean, not only is he saved from his sin and in his right mind, but he’s preaching the Gospel, can I get an Amen?! Please. I had some mixed emotions when he went to pioneer and pastor a church in Bonita, in San Diego, after all he left the home church, pero ahora si, I’m beginning to get the full impact of Jeus command in Mark 16:15 “Go ye into all the world” Quizas I should have a voice of excitement and wonder, mi hijo, will be a missionary, this is a chance of a lifetime. What is God gonna do through their willingness to go? Y pues what a privilege to be a part of God’s family in Bolivia, people they will help win into God’s kingdom. Shouldn’t I be strutting “La Madre Culeca” dance? Asi es, proud to be his mama, telling his story to any one who will listen.  Pero, instead, as the days approach much too quickly, separation anxiety is barking at the door of my heart, wanting to be fed. Worry is throwing fiery darts at me, thinking of all the “what ifs.” Lately, everytime I see my son,  I want to run and cling to him and ask him, are you sure God called you to this? I hear the mocking voices saying “didn’t you pray for this with them? What are you afraid of? Y asi es, I did pray and I am grateful and pleased to see all that God is doing, most moms would understand me right now. 

How in the world am I gonna get through this?! I won’t cry, times like this is when I wish I could put on my Cold Blooded Englishman’s ways. My Benjamin stands in control,not rigidly trying to hold back tears, pero honestamente, his way of processing is pretty quiet and calm. My bestie is also well poised and calm, hijole! But me, there I go again, crying. I will get through this because, I know that I know, that the best place for my children is in the will of God. Aun asi,  the waves of emotion squeeze my heart and when nobodys looking, tears spill out, pero, I’m not crying, at least not at the moment.

There’s lots to do, I’m gonna help them and pray. I’m gonna be a needy mom and push myself into their lives and apapachar them, hopefully not clingy but a helpful hand for them. When I see them off I’ll keep praying. We’ll save our money and when it’s time, all in Gods time of course, we’ll go and see them. Ayudenme por favor and pray for the “Lil Greene’s” as we have dubbed them, as they get ready to be launched to La Paz, Bolivia in a few weeks.  Gracias, y que Dios los bendiga.